Summary for 4-27-16
We actually tackled 2 different topics with our group.
The first was how to handle it when your child is mirroring or imitating behaviors they see their friends do, kind of trying on new behaviors; and on a related note the issue of self-esteem in groups.
The second topic was parenting your kids when they play frequently in a close-at-hand community of friends, like your neighbors, where the values and the parenting are very different from your own.
We talked at length about seeing our kids “try on” behaviors and words that we know don’t think are really theirs. The question was: why are they doing this and what should I be doing about it as a parent?
A parent shared that her second grade daughter seemed to be making herself try to cry, imitating behavior of a friend. Her preschooler was using more aggressive, violent language that she’d never heard him use before but suspected he was picking up from his ipad game or show. It’s disturbing as a parent and makes us think hard about what’s the right response.
There was some discussion about why this bothers us as parents; one parent discussed how, when she sees her child behave in a way like forced crying, it seems like a caricature of femininity, maybe the child’s shorthand version of what they think they ought to be acting like. It’s disturbing as a parent because we want them to use their words, be authentic, and say what they are feeling. We don’t want them to take shortcuts like pretend crying when it comes to saying what they feel.
One parent shared what a preschool teacher she’d observed did when a child was crying more for show, and it was preventing problem-solving: in a kind and nonjudgmental voice she would tell kids, “When you turn off your tears we can talk about it.” It seemed to help kids calm down and talk about it. Another helpful phrase one parent shared was, “That doesn’t sound like my (Betsy)” when the child is using a voice or language that isn’t authentically theirs, like being mean or snarky. Someone noted that that’s part of the “Connect before you correct” philosophy that QAE follows.
Sometimes kids point to other kids behavior and ask why they don’t get to act that way, and we have to remind them that different kids need different things to be successful.
One parent noted it was helpful in their family when she told a story about how she behaved badly as a kid, rather than tell them how not to behave. It gives them something of value and keeps them off the defensive.
One mom noted that her daughter was “trying on” being sad, to mimic a friend who is sad a lot. She was concerned her daughter might pretend to be sad and end up really feeling sad, and it “seems like she’s reaching ahead beyond her years.” When she asked her daughter why she did this, her daughter said she was trying to understand the friend. The discussion moved forward to talking about how to reflect to the child that she’s being caring and empathetic, but then discuss how to support and lift up someone who’s feeling down. People piped up to say the book “Mattie’s Fridge” was right on point here.
Suggested resources: book “Collecting Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld, “Mattie’s Fridge”
We transitioned into talking about what to do when our kids spend a lot of time playing independently with neighbor kids who have different family values and rules. We talked about having our kids exposed to kid behavior and parenting that is not ideal from our own point of view, and how to handle various situations. Some parents recalled parenting they observed as kids outside their own home, and how memorable that was. It was suggested that our kids who observe really poor parenting when they’re over at a friend’s house will know it’s wrong; they’re more likely to emulate the kids’ behavior than the parents. If your house is the “safe” house the kids are likely to gravitate to it. Having ongoing dialogue with your kids is a huge way to keep them grounded in your own values. Be connected, find time for conversations, talk to them and hear what they have to say; your own family values will prevail if you are making time for this connection with your kids.
We had a related discussion about how to give your kids individual attention when there are 2 or 3 of them competing for mom/dad’s time. Sometimes we feel like we spend all our time just managing “the herd” and getting them from point A to point B, and keeping on schedule, and not enough time is left over for quality one-to-one interactions. They need and want some alone time with a parent, but it can be hard to find the time. Especially with more kids in the family. Some ideas: give each kid 10 minutes alone time with their chosen game or toy and you, or make up a game together as a family with each kid contribute a rule of the game.
We talked about being “fair” versus being “equal” with kids. They keep score a lot and as parents it seems we have to face the charge of “not being fair” and “not being equal” a good deal. It’s ok to tell kids fair is not the same as equal, and mom and dad need time to themselves too; kids aren’t entitled to equality at all times…sometimes they get a little more than another child, sometimes less, but it all shakes out to be fair in the end. Each kid gets what they need.
We talked about the value of having family meetings in helping kids feel like they are a valuable part of the family. One idea was to let each kid take a turn leading the family meetings. Also, doing “appreciations” where each person in the family says what they appreciate about each other person. Another idea was doing a Friendship book like the kids do in their Kindergarten class, where each family member gets a turn being spotlighted and the others make them a book with a page from each person noting something special about them.
Suggested resources: The 5 Love Languages, and “71 Toes Blog”
We actually tackled 2 different topics with our group.
The first was how to handle it when your child is mirroring or imitating behaviors they see their friends do, kind of trying on new behaviors; and on a related note the issue of self-esteem in groups.
The second topic was parenting your kids when they play frequently in a close-at-hand community of friends, like your neighbors, where the values and the parenting are very different from your own.
We talked at length about seeing our kids “try on” behaviors and words that we know don’t think are really theirs. The question was: why are they doing this and what should I be doing about it as a parent?
A parent shared that her second grade daughter seemed to be making herself try to cry, imitating behavior of a friend. Her preschooler was using more aggressive, violent language that she’d never heard him use before but suspected he was picking up from his ipad game or show. It’s disturbing as a parent and makes us think hard about what’s the right response.
There was some discussion about why this bothers us as parents; one parent discussed how, when she sees her child behave in a way like forced crying, it seems like a caricature of femininity, maybe the child’s shorthand version of what they think they ought to be acting like. It’s disturbing as a parent because we want them to use their words, be authentic, and say what they are feeling. We don’t want them to take shortcuts like pretend crying when it comes to saying what they feel.
One parent shared what a preschool teacher she’d observed did when a child was crying more for show, and it was preventing problem-solving: in a kind and nonjudgmental voice she would tell kids, “When you turn off your tears we can talk about it.” It seemed to help kids calm down and talk about it. Another helpful phrase one parent shared was, “That doesn’t sound like my (Betsy)” when the child is using a voice or language that isn’t authentically theirs, like being mean or snarky. Someone noted that that’s part of the “Connect before you correct” philosophy that QAE follows.
Sometimes kids point to other kids behavior and ask why they don’t get to act that way, and we have to remind them that different kids need different things to be successful.
One parent noted it was helpful in their family when she told a story about how she behaved badly as a kid, rather than tell them how not to behave. It gives them something of value and keeps them off the defensive.
One mom noted that her daughter was “trying on” being sad, to mimic a friend who is sad a lot. She was concerned her daughter might pretend to be sad and end up really feeling sad, and it “seems like she’s reaching ahead beyond her years.” When she asked her daughter why she did this, her daughter said she was trying to understand the friend. The discussion moved forward to talking about how to reflect to the child that she’s being caring and empathetic, but then discuss how to support and lift up someone who’s feeling down. People piped up to say the book “Mattie’s Fridge” was right on point here.
Suggested resources: book “Collecting Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld, “Mattie’s Fridge”
We transitioned into talking about what to do when our kids spend a lot of time playing independently with neighbor kids who have different family values and rules. We talked about having our kids exposed to kid behavior and parenting that is not ideal from our own point of view, and how to handle various situations. Some parents recalled parenting they observed as kids outside their own home, and how memorable that was. It was suggested that our kids who observe really poor parenting when they’re over at a friend’s house will know it’s wrong; they’re more likely to emulate the kids’ behavior than the parents. If your house is the “safe” house the kids are likely to gravitate to it. Having ongoing dialogue with your kids is a huge way to keep them grounded in your own values. Be connected, find time for conversations, talk to them and hear what they have to say; your own family values will prevail if you are making time for this connection with your kids.
We had a related discussion about how to give your kids individual attention when there are 2 or 3 of them competing for mom/dad’s time. Sometimes we feel like we spend all our time just managing “the herd” and getting them from point A to point B, and keeping on schedule, and not enough time is left over for quality one-to-one interactions. They need and want some alone time with a parent, but it can be hard to find the time. Especially with more kids in the family. Some ideas: give each kid 10 minutes alone time with their chosen game or toy and you, or make up a game together as a family with each kid contribute a rule of the game.
We talked about being “fair” versus being “equal” with kids. They keep score a lot and as parents it seems we have to face the charge of “not being fair” and “not being equal” a good deal. It’s ok to tell kids fair is not the same as equal, and mom and dad need time to themselves too; kids aren’t entitled to equality at all times…sometimes they get a little more than another child, sometimes less, but it all shakes out to be fair in the end. Each kid gets what they need.
We talked about the value of having family meetings in helping kids feel like they are a valuable part of the family. One idea was to let each kid take a turn leading the family meetings. Also, doing “appreciations” where each person in the family says what they appreciate about each other person. Another idea was doing a Friendship book like the kids do in their Kindergarten class, where each family member gets a turn being spotlighted and the others make them a book with a page from each person noting something special about them.
Suggested resources: The 5 Love Languages, and “71 Toes Blog”