To what extent should we be “social engineers” in arranging playdates, choosing what parties they can attend, etc.? What is “social engineering” and is it OK?
We talked about what it feels like to see our children being part of friendships or a larger group that we aren’t especially happy about. Seeing them with kids who are misbehaving, even if they themselves aren’t misbehaving. It brings up fears they’ll head down a wrong road, make bad choices.
What’s the balance of protecting our kids v. letting them make their own choices, or letting their personality shine through and dictate what they do and who they spend time with?
We discussed that it can help to talk with our kids about the difference between being empathetic towards difficult friends vs. being responsible for helping them, or being their only friend.
We talked about the idea of coaching kids on the feelings they have when they see their friends misbehaving. Advice was given to “coach the kid, not the friendship” and not to leave the kid out of the discussion. Meaning, don’t make the friendship decisions for them without their input or knowledge, because that leaves them out of the choice-making. Instead, coach them on how to handle difficult situations. Ask reflective questions.
You can’t control t heir friendships entirely but you can influence how they act in those friendships. It’s ok to tell friends, “I’m not in” or “That’s not my style” if their friends are doing things they don’t like.
Our faculty liaison offered the advice that if there is a friendship difficulty at school, parents can bring it up to the teachers. “We do social engineering all day long.” Teachers give thought to where kids sit in the classroom or who they do projects with in order to avoid bad matches and promote the best learning environment.
Ask the kid questions like: “What do you need? Are you getting it? Are you safe?” Get them to problem solve in their own friendships. If they don’t feel safe, that’s definitely a time to step in.
We talked about what it feels like to see our children being part of friendships or a larger group that we aren’t especially happy about. Seeing them with kids who are misbehaving, even if they themselves aren’t misbehaving. It brings up fears they’ll head down a wrong road, make bad choices.
What’s the balance of protecting our kids v. letting them make their own choices, or letting their personality shine through and dictate what they do and who they spend time with?
We discussed that it can help to talk with our kids about the difference between being empathetic towards difficult friends vs. being responsible for helping them, or being their only friend.
We talked about the idea of coaching kids on the feelings they have when they see their friends misbehaving. Advice was given to “coach the kid, not the friendship” and not to leave the kid out of the discussion. Meaning, don’t make the friendship decisions for them without their input or knowledge, because that leaves them out of the choice-making. Instead, coach them on how to handle difficult situations. Ask reflective questions.
You can’t control t heir friendships entirely but you can influence how they act in those friendships. It’s ok to tell friends, “I’m not in” or “That’s not my style” if their friends are doing things they don’t like.
Our faculty liaison offered the advice that if there is a friendship difficulty at school, parents can bring it up to the teachers. “We do social engineering all day long.” Teachers give thought to where kids sit in the classroom or who they do projects with in order to avoid bad matches and promote the best learning environment.
Ask the kid questions like: “What do you need? Are you getting it? Are you safe?” Get them to problem solve in their own friendships. If they don’t feel safe, that’s definitely a time to step in.